Doomed to die alone
by The Heavens' Answer
Summary: The many reasons to why Eragon is doomed to die alone without a lover by his side in battle or bed.... Each chapter is a different take on a different pairing. Don't read if you like Eragon... unless you have a sense of humor.
1. Take 1: EragonXArya

**Doomed to die alone.**

A/N: This fic is a parody. It is meant to be humorous, yet _slightly_ angsty… namely, it is to point out obvious… and not so obvious points hidden in the books _Eragon _and _Eldest_… which I'm sure you have all found… but I have added… some… _hopefully_ more interesting tidbits (Which means I have either altered some parts …or… pretty much fabricated everything). Enjoy.

P.S. I am not bashing Eragon… he just… he can be such a hopeless fool at times… often… okay, nearly _all the time_.

P.P.S. It says that elves are not fecund… then how can they have children? Isn't that contradicting? Bah… I have undermined the flaw within all AryaXx lemons…ahahaha… Does anyone find this a little odd other than me?

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**Take 1: EragonXArya.**

"… How tall the trees, how bright the stars… and how beautiful you are, O Arya Svit-Kona…"

Arya fixed her piercing glare upon Eragon and sighed. " O Eragon Shadeslayer, how limited your methods for catching women, how limited your vocabulary, how young and innocent and aggravating you are…"

Eragon, as Eragon is, paid no heed to her scathing words.

" Arya… I'll do anything to win your hand. I would follow you to the ends of the earth. I would build a palace for you with naught but my bare hands. I would –"

" Eragon!" snapped Arya, brushing his hand away from her lap, quite irritated, she was. " How many times must I explain to you why we cannot be?"

" Do you feel nothing for me?"

She was repulsed by his pathetic behavior. So, at this, she exploded with unfiltered frustration and anger. " I feel nothing for you!" she yelled, slapping him once, twice, three times… then four, and on her final blow, she hit him with such force he was propelled into the Menoa tree and she cursed. Why did this always happen here?

Eragon blinked and sniffled, wiping away the tears that brimmed his eyes with that back of his hand, while pushing himself to his feet. " How can you be so cruel?" he whimpered.

Arya sighed again, with exasperation. " Eragon, how tolerant do you expect me to be when you are constantly trying to woo me always at the same place, same time and same lame lines? I may be immortal, by patience certainly isn't."

He continued to sniffle. This had happened far too many times for her to actually feel pity or guilt for dealing with him so harshly.

" Why? He stammered, having given up on trying to staunch the flow of his childish and unneeded tears.

Arya stared at the stars, praying for patience. With a deep calming breath, she forced herself to look and explain things to the feeble excuse of a rider on which so many important things depended upon.

She lifted up her index finger, " One," she said, in an oddly calm voice devoid of emotion. " I am old enough to be your great grandmother…. No… great- great grandmother," she admonished.

She lifted a second finger, " Two, you are a childish, immature and irritating brat who does not seem to understand a word I say."

Eragon watched her with pleading and unblinking eyes from his spot beside her on the log.

" Three," she said, against, lifting up another finger. " You have a job to do." She continued lifting up her fingers and listing off her points unrelentingly, so Eragon could not protest until her monotonous rant was done. " Four, elves are not fit match for humans… _even_ if you are a rider."

Eragon shifted closer to her as she continued on to her fifth point.

" Five, I warned you many times before. I told you about Linnea, didn't I? Six, I am a princess and a diplomat, which means I am much to busy to lead a love life. Seven, I have a reputation to uphold. Eight elves are not fecund. Nine, I do _not_, I repeat, _not_ love you, Eragon, for I am still in madly in love with the dead Faolin. And ten –"

" But Arya," he pleaded, " Arwen is an elf, yet she got together with Aragorn! And they were happy! And she is older than him! And her name is like yours, and my name is like his! And you are so much like her, and I am so much like him! Why can't this be? They prove that we are meant for each other!"

Her eyes narrowed to slits. " I am not that weak, pitiable Mary Sue who only knows how to cry as her men rush off to battle. I am not like her, and you are not like him. Aragorn is a king; he is respectable and old enough for her. You are still a child. Besides… we only saw them get together and they didn't even marry, for goodness sake… who knows what their situation is now?" She turned her head to see his reaction and to her surprise and mortification, met the Eragon's lips.

Her eyes widened and she shoved him off the log, whispering, " Mathilnae."

She wrinkled her nose in disgust, spluttering and spitting into the shadows trying to rid her mouth of the taste. As she was so embroiled in her quest to try and rid herself of the flavor, her concentration must have broken because Eragon was suddenly free to move.

He sprang to her side, attempting to help her, but before he got within two meters near her, she hissed, very venomously, " _Touch me and die_."

He froze, and then recoiled as if burned.

" Finally," she smiled. " We are getting somewhere."


	2. Take 2: EragonXTrianna

**Doomed to die alone.**

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A/N: **The first part is an excerpt from Eldest... then ... well... then... well... it's right there... below. :) Just scroll. **

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**Take 2: EragonXTrianna. **

" Then you're not betrothed?"

The question caught him off guard; he had never been asked that before. " No, I'm not betrothed."

" Surely there must be someone you care about." She came another step closer, and her ribboned sleeve brushed his arm.

" I wasn't close to anyone in Carvahall," he faltered, " And I've been traveling since then."

Trianna drew back slightly, then lifted her wrist so the serpent bracelet was at eye level. " Do you like him?" she inquired. Eragon blinked and nodded, though it was actually rather disconcerting. " I call him Lorga. He's my familiar and protector." Bending forward, she blew upon the bracelet, then murmured, " Sé orúm thornessa hávr sharjalví lífs."

With a dry rustle, the snake stirred to life. Eragon watched, fascinated, as the creature writhed around Trianna's pale arm, then lifted itself and fixed its whirling ruby eyes upon him, wire tongue whipping in and out. Its eyes seemed to expand until they were each as large as Eragon's fist. He felt as if he were tumbling into their fiery depths; he could not look away no matter how hard he tried.

Then at a short command, the serpent stiffened and resumed its former position. With a tired sigh, Trianna leaned against the wall. " Not many people understand what we magic users do. But I wanted you to know that there are others like you, and we will help if we can."

Impulsively, Eragon put his hand on hers. He had never attempted to approach a woman this way before, but instinct urged him onward, daring him to take a chance. It was frightening, exhilarating. " If you want, we could go and eat. There's a kitchen not far from here."

She slipped her other hand over his, fingers smooth and cool, so different from the rough grips he was accustomed to. " I'd like that. Shall we—" Trianna stumbled forward as the door burst open behind her. The sorceress whirled around, only to yelp as she found herself face to face with Saphira.

Saphira remained motionless, except for one lip that slowly lifted to reveal a line of jagged teeth. Then she growled. It was a marvelous growl –richly layered with scorn and menace—that rose and fell through the hall for more than a minute. Listening to it was like enduring a blistering, hackle-raising tirade.

Eragon glared at her the whole time.

When it was over, Trianna was clenching her dress with both fists, twisting the fabric. Her face was white and scared. She quickly curtsied to Saphira, then, with barely controlled motion, turned and fled. Acting as if nothing had happened, Saphira lifted a leg and licked a claw. _It was nearly impossible to get the door open, _she sniffed.

Eragon exploded. _Why did you do that? You had no reason to interfere._

_You needed my help, _she continued, unperturbed.

_If I'd needed your help I would have called!_

_Don't yell at me,_ she snapped, letting her jaws click together. He could sense her emotions boiling with as much turmoil as his. _I'll not have you run around with a slattern who cares more for Eragon as a rider then you as a person._

_She wasn't slattern! _roared Eragon, denying the obvious fact. He pounded against the stone wall with uncontained frustration, only managing to bruise his hand in the process. He shot Saphira a murderous glare then rushed out of the room, intending to apologize to the pale sorceress.

He turned a corner and spotted her turning the next; adding a burst of speed, he called out to her; his feet pounding against the floor and the echoes of his din bouncing off the corridor walls.

" Trianna!" cried Eragon, dashing through the halls of the great Tronjheim, unaware and uncaring of the many he trampled and bustled and shoved out of his way as long as he could catch up with his umpteenth chance at love. " Trianna! Wait!"

" What?" demanded Trianna brusquely, still trembling at the encounter. She, having spun on her heel to face the discontented young rider she had tried to seduce, was quite disgruntled. She nearly succeeded in seducing him, one might add…and she would have succeeded had not an angry blue dragon interrupted and scared the living daylights out of her.

" Trianna, I'm so sorry for Saphira's behavior. If you wouldn't mind, would you still want to accompany me to dinner?" inquired Eragon, out of breathly.

Trianna composed herself, drawing herself up to her full height, which was only a few inches more than Eragon and stared down her fairly pointed and pale nose at him.

" Accompany you _to _dinner, or accompany you to _be_ dinner?" she snapped, quickly brushing a strand of her dark hair away from her fair face. Lorga's ruby eyes flashed as it caught the light with the quick movement of her hand.

" I am sorry," Eragon repeated, cursing inwardly. Thanks to Saphira, this was going a lot harder than he expected. " But to dinner, not to be dinner."

Trianna looked around nervously, her composure cracking a little, enough for everyone to see, but no one was there… thankfully. She whispered to herself, looking quite frightened as she twisted Lorga around and around her pallid, skinny wrist.

" So, what do you say?" asked Eragon quietly, laying a hand on her pasty face, forcing her to look him in the eyes. Her cheek was as smooth and as cool as her hand.

As suddenly as she had lost her composure, it came back. She smiled, all sweet and charming and nodded. " I'd like that," she said softly. But because the hall was so empty it seemed much more loud to their ears and they both realized how alone they were. Trianna leaned in to kiss Eragon, when suddenly he jerked aside, his cheeks glowing incandescently.

" Something wrong?" asked Trianna, a tad unnerved by his reaction, thinking that it was because of her he did so.

Eragon shrugged off her hands from his shoulders, sweeping his doubts and his living conscience aside, managing to convince himself he was better off without them. He forced a smile and offered his arm; which she took with unconcealed relish and they strolled to the kitchen.

Orik watched the rider from the other end of the room where he was drinking mead with his clan members of the Durgrimst Ingeitum. Shaking his head and muttering into his mead as he saw the sorceress toy with him and his hopeless feelings.

As they were served a plate of assorted fungi and venison, Trianna smiled sweetly, pouring as much charm into it as she poured gravy into her plate. Eragon smiled back. It was a painful smile. Like as if a banana was forced into his mouth, stretching the sides of his cheeks… and worse; it was like he could not swallow it either.

As they dug into their scrumptious meal with eagerness, they did not notice the turmoil brewing about. As stereotypical lovers are, never noticing anything.

Eragon lifted his head from his plate and grinned wolfishly at the colorless faced sorceress with the dark tresses; there were slivers of meat caught between his teeth and a speck of sauce on the tip of his nose, which Trianna noticed almost immediately.

" Here, let me wipe that off for you, O Sagacious Rider of Eld," all the while smiling beguilingly with the kerchief in her hand. As she slowly leaned towards him, he was privileged to a wondrous sight; thanks to her not so innocent intentions and her low cut ribbonned dress.

Eragon stared unblinkingly, completely unashamed… when suddenly a roar tore throughout the whole mountain.

_Slattern!_

Loud explosions were heard, distant at first then drawing ever closer.

Trianna glanced apprehensively at the door, which suddenly burst into an infinitesimal number of splinters which sprayed and peppered anyone unfortunate enough to be in range.

As the dust and debris cleared; Saphira's gaping jaws and glorious, shining, long and jagged teeth filled the doorway.

She roared with such vehemence in her wrath. Turning her head to one side, completely demolishing the wall, she fixed a narrowed slit of an eye on Trianna. She projecting her thoughts in her rage, whether it was intentional or not, no one knew.

_You low, filthy, despicable, pasty faced, slovenly, promiscuous, wanton whore! _

Trianna turned an even whiter shade than norm again, trembling as she faced the enraged dragon for the second time that day. Quivering, she tried latch onto to Eragon's arm.

Saphira growled venomously. _Touch him and I'll eat you._

Trianna squeaked.

" Saphira!" shouted Eragon angrily.

_What?_ Saphira played innocent again, and withdrew her head slightly, blinking impishly. _I'm hungry._


	3. Take 3: EragonXNasuada

**Doomed to die alone:**

**Take 3: EragonXNasuada**

" Nasuada, I have decided to take this opportunity, not only to practice pledging myself to you, but to attest my undying love and affection…"

" For who?" asked Nasuada, turning to her vassal.

" For you."

" Oh," she said puzzled. " Aren't you hopelessly infatuated with Arya?"

" She's already spoken. It wouldn't be wise for me to…"

" Then what give you the idea that this would be any better? Besides… I'm taken."

" By who?" demanded Eragon, alarmed.

Nasuada's eyes lost their cold glint and was replaced by a kind of hazy dreaminess. "Murtagh…" she sighed.

" Murtagh!" he spluttered. " You are fraternizing with the known enemy! You are consorting with my brother! If the Varden knew of this—"

" Ah," said Nasuada, " but you see, they don't know of this. And if you dare tell them…" She left that sentence hanging. Her glare was all that was needed to let Eragon know what she would do if he told.

He nodded meekly. Licking his lips, he came up with a suggestion.

" That is a good idea…"

" Of course it's a good idea. It was my idea," said Eragon, drawing himself up proudly. " You should convince Murtagh to ditch Galbatorix, and that way we will definitely win the way. Especially because Murtagh probably knows all of Galbatorix's secrets…"

Nasuada sighed. " Well, first of all I wouldn't agree to this idea if it wasn't so blatantly obviously necessary—"

" What do you mean by that?"

" I mean that you are incompetent and having the whole of Alagaesia depend on a pitiful excuse for a rider like you is suicide." She turned to face the wall. "We _need_ Murtagh back here with the Varden… though we planned to let him stay there, not only because Galbatorix won't come out because he has Murtagh to do his dirty work…which means that way we can assure you won't be killed, but because he can gather information from the inside… and as long as Murtagh can find a loophole in every single oath he must swear every single time he meets you and has to be merciful and let you go because you can't defeat him, we should be fine… so…"

" I can too!" Eragon protested, rising to his feet.

" Then why haven't you done so?"

" Well –" he spluttered. " –because Oromis hasn't finished teaching me yet!"

" In other words, you cannot defeat him because you are weak."

" I am not weak! –"

"—You just lack vital intelligence that really can't be taught to someone like you."

Eragon blinked.

Nasuada sighed again. " I will let Murtagh now as soon as I can. We need to end this, so I can get you out of my sight."

Eragon blinked again.

Nasuada threw her hands up in the air and screamed in frustration. " I give up! I _give _up! God damn it, we just had to end up with the stupid little brother didn't we?"

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_A/N: Sorry for the wait. I sort of ran out of steam, as you can very well see…this has been sitting in my folder for ages now… so I decided to post it._

_Anyways, I would really, truly appreciate any feedback…_

_Thanks for reading._

_Dark S3cret._


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